the bear sucks, but the hell with it... lolz
loving from afar. by ~daRkLunah26 on deviantART
my first ever light work... is it that bad? lol, idk, but idc. omg im not speaking cheer! no.. N-O!
OMG i'm having a blond moment, this is so not kewl... whatever...
Today is:
* 3 2 08
2. I should be:
* sleeping i think
3. The last text message I received
was from:
* mumiluv
4. And it said:
* asa pavilion daw sila
5. I am currently pissed off because:
* I'm always pissed off. stupid question
6. My cellphone rings and the song
that's playing is:
* phone - bubbly .... now - me against the world
7. I would love to see:
* a real live naked... mole rat...
8. If I could change my last name, it
would be:
* siriously? heart burn or loftchild. toinks... or boinks para cute...
9. After class, I love to:
* i love to go shop lifting. yeah? no i dont do that.
10. My favorite subject is:
* is..
11. I liked yesterday because:
* because of actually survivng the highway. and the usb experimental by kate.
13. My favorite song right now would
have to be:
* blurry still.
15. I currently have a crush on:
* what's he's name... and her name... yeah, it's complicated being me... suck to be you though.
16. My favorite number/s would have to
be:
* seven
17. When I'm in a bad mood, it's
better to just:
* write a new song... i love being mad, not that it's a good thing but i really need the emotion to come out to be inspred, cause nothing inspires me now... nothing...
18. I really can't stand:
* casue i hat walking around... look how big i am.
19. I'd break up with my
boyfriend/girlfriend right away if:
* i can... that's the questin right?
20. If I were to get stuck in an
elevator with someone, it would have
to be:
* air conditioned. and a fragrant comrad
21. I'd really like to improve my
grades on:
* everything really.
22. The last thing that wasn't food
that I bought with my own money is:
* bus ride home. if that was bought
23. The name of the street where I
live is:
* monrovia and montojo... wow... all mon...
24. I have never ridden:
* snowboard
25. If I won the lottery, the first
thing I would do is:
* buy my self a ticket out of here.
26. One bad habit of mine is:
* I'm lazzy and i talk back a lot...
27. I go out to:
* see green stuff... and by green i mean nature... not human nature, no, what?
28. I am very attached to:
* my body, for i am a soul. ok this is getting weird.
29. One friend who is not from my
college is:
* pardes
30. I am currently stressed because:
* school, friends, speial friend, the boy i cant break up with, and life... yeah...
there were many things in the past that i thought would make me happy if i just reach it...
I allways thught that i would be happy when i reach at least more than 400 friends in friendster...
well i was wrong... now 'm completely irritated seeing people i dont know on my list, and i envy my kuya now.. he has like a hundred fifty plus of friends and he doesnt care... when i was young, i thought friendster was a game, a race of sme sort of, the more friends the more prizes... i dunno... just got tired of it i guess...
I thought that i'd be happy leaving home and rebeliously living with my tita in makati, i wanted it so bad before... now i cant wait to go home... and now i'm worst than ever..
I thought i wanted to play basketball forever.. then it ended... fact is... it's one of the things that makes me most accepted... it makes me happy...
----emo mode...
I thought it would be the best feeling in the world to finally let go and let fall of everything that happened for years time..
I thought i'd be happy...
i thought...
i think too much...
now i dunno what to think...
how are we?
i cant even talk to you...
and sadly...
you are indeed slipping away...
what's funny is that..
i'm letting you...
peace dude...
gudbye... :)
Had you ever felt so hopeless in life, had you ever felt like you’ve reached the end of the road, no place to go, no home to go… Well, she did, she had it all, she had it all, All that she never had seemed to be so close, she was just so blind, or did she just not want to see it….
Tuesday the 1st day…
It was so cold outside, the wind was blowing hard, and I was sitting alone, “Brenda, Brenda, Brenda…. The perfect picture of a woman…” I said to my self… Yes I am indeed little miss perfect, am I not… “You just had to destroy all it for me, do you?” I yelled. “I’m sorry to say this miss, but you have lung cancer, you’re gonna die any time these coming weeks… That’s, that…” The doctor said. “Yeah, F*%$ you a## ho13, who are you to give me a dead line, you’re not even my boss…” I yelled. This wouldn’t have ever happened if it weren’t for that guy, curse him, if he were alive, I would be glad to kill him… You know him right, the guy whom called him self the son of God, the one who died on the so called cross, what was his name again? I don’t give a sh*t, he can’t save me now anyways, I’m gonna end up in hell anyways, yah, let me burn in hell for eternity. “You shouldn’t have given me this, I have a life you know; you should have even though of killing my mother first, she’s older you know, I’m young, I won’t die because of this stick…” I again yelled. It’s useless, he never listens… “Damn you God, you back stabber!” I yelled.
-Two day’s ago
Sunday-
“Hey sweetie, rise and shine, it’s Sunday, babe, don’t forget, party at Rockwell Vr0ogh at 9 pm, be th---- toot---“ The answering machine said, “Honestly Peter, I’ll kill my self if I miss your stupid party..” I said looking outside my 40th floor condominium. “I hate heights but still I live all the way up here…” I said. Yes, it’s morning again, breakfast, I don’t eat, I drink alcohol and smoke sticks… “--Knock-Knock—“ “Who is it?” I yelled drinking my coffee substitute. “It’s Ryan…” Ryan said. “Ryan…” Ryan, is that you? Is it really my Ryan Parker? “Ryan I can’t believe it’s you…” I said opening the door, hugging Ryan… “Uhmmm, Brenda, it’s me Ryan…” Ryan said. Oh shoot, it’s not him. I always freak when I hear the name Ryan… I dunno why but for some reason I just do. “The delivery boy, remember?” He added. Ok fine, it’s a honest mistake; I hugged another guy named Ryan this day. “How much do I owe you?” I asked. “On the house, were closing…” Ryan said. “What!? Why? I believe that you’re selling pretty well.” I said. “The owner died, his son is selling everything.” That’s just great, now I’m back to KFC, which is fast food, and fast food FYI is not healthy, no offense. Ryan asked me to visit the funeral some time, but hey, I’ve got a life to live, Who would wanna visit a freak’n funeral of an old man, all that I know is, I’m lucky it wasn’t me, to bad for him, he’s dead, and I’m as healthy as an ox. “Cough- Cough- Cough…” What the?! “Are you alright Brenda?” asked Ryan. “I’m just fine…” I said, still I smoked. “Ok then I’ll go now…” Ryan said. Gosh, you know what, that Ryan delivery guy is so cute, if only he were older than me, and if only he were not a church person, I don’t do churches, and I so do not buy God what ever…
After that I went out to see my saint sister Sofia, she’s such a pain in the ass, she forced me to take Advanced Theology to have a faith, no way man, I took the cash and look at me now, editor in chief in a pornographic magazine, which sells a lot to teens, what’s pornography anyways, it’s all business, no offense stupid 10 commandments, I make my own rules.. I just love my life, a 5 star hotel condominium, a loving Peter, a Philip lover boy, a bitch sister and an annoying mother, what more can I ever want in my life?
Oh great there she comes, now I have to kiss and make up, or simply, just make pretend… “Oh, sis, I miss you…” I said, and hug her. Great, that’s just great, I cursed the person a long time ago, and look at me now, I’m hugging the church bitch. “How are you?” she asked. “Now, I feel good, Of course, it’s because I met you again…” Please, for the love of God, as if I ever wanna meet you. After that, I decided to take a piece of my precious stick. I lit it, I sucked on it, and then I blew it like hell… “I thought you stopped smoking already?” asked
Damn, on my way to work, I grabbed into my bag, only to find out that I’m out of sticks, “Ged Damn it…” I said, reaching into my emergency stick. “Aha…” I just can’t live without them. And so I lighted it, well I tried, the stupid thing just wont work. Then I looked up at a sign board. “God is beside you…” it said. “God, huh? I don’t have a God.” After that I found a Kid looking at me, as if I could give him something, “I’m not rich, get away form me you beggar.” I said, but still the kid kept on looking at me, at my smoke, still smiling. “I’m Ryan…” The kid said. “What?” I asked looking back at the kid, but then, he was gone… I felt so scared afterwards, a Kid vanished right beside me, what do you expect of me, be happy! What the hell was going on. “-Ring –ring” My freaking phone rang afterwards, “Hello?” I said… Oh good it was only Peter, too freak’n bad, I always hoped that it were Ryan…
Ok so that night at 6:00 pm my lover boy and I were supposed to meet, but then he called, and he had something going on, crap, so I had no choice but to go to Peter’s place, early, that’s just great, I hate Peter’s place, he’s parents are so religious, well after his parents died, guess what, he turned their place into an ultimate party house, the so-called “Rockwell Vr0ogh”. Peter calls me up every Sunday, expecting me to go to this Rockwell Vr0ogh of his, but I never seem to show up, I have parties of my own you know… Well so much for a day, this time I’m party free, which is why I can attend to this party. When I entered, the place was filled with people of different kinds, Lesbians, Gays, bi-sexuals, celebrities, government officials, (Don’t ask) Peter’s place was a party paradise, even for powerful people. I was so shocked cause they knew me, well of course, why not know me, I’m the editor in chief of exotica magazine, duh! I was like untouchable, well I didn’t come for their pleasure, I came for Peter, where was he anyways? As I wondered around I went up to see Peter, someone told me that he was upstairs, in his room, and so I went there, and oh great, just some great scene did I saw. “I knew it you were gay, I can’t believe that I slept with a gay guy…” I said. “Brenda, you came, fuck, well yah, I’m gay, I couldn’t help it anymore…” Peter explained, when peter moved, I can’t believe who I saw. “Philip! You’re gay too??? ” I said. “Well…” Philip explained, “I can’t believe that I slept with two total gays, whom are actually sleeping with each other…” I said. “Well…” Peter thought, “groupies it is…” Suggested Philip, “Oh fuck…” I said, I feel so sick, I could puke, with disgust. “When did you meet each other?” I asked. “Well I was spying on you; then I found the most precious creature on earth…” Said Peter touching, Philip’s face. “Stop it, Ewww…” I said. “ We’ve been together for 2 years, you could join us anytime Brenda.” said Philip. “I’m just going now…” I said walking away.
I went out as quickly as I can, it was then that I discovered that I couldn’t breath inside the house, I started coughing again, but this time there was blood in it. “What the hell?” I said. Then there I panicked, I took my emergency pack and, lit one… I finished lighting it all, but the blood in my cough won’t go away. I was crying and crying,, then I felt a truck falling on me, I couldn’t breath, my eye sight was blurring, time went so fast all of the sudden, all that I could remember was me being carried by a guy wearing white, then there were this light’s, then another light, I still cant breath my cough was filled with so many blood, what was happening.
Tuesday the 1st day…
Back from the beginning, that day I woke up, and then found out that I was dying of lung cancer, “No fucking way…” I said yelling at the doctor. “What have you been doing to you’re self, I told you not to smoke 5 months ago, don’t you remember?” The doctor said. Then I wondered, “You did?” I asked. “You look so pale, why don’t you take a rest for a while, start from your heart.” The doctor said. “Why heart, I need medicine, I need medication, I don’t need that crap… why? Is there no cure for this?” I asked. “Sadly, I warned you, there is no cure Brenda, only a miracle can save you now, try God, nothing’s wrong with trying God…” The doctor said. “I have no God.” I said. “Ok…” said by the doctor suddenly having an awfully sad face. “How long?” I asked. “I better not…” The doctor said. “How long?” Now I said with a sharper tune. “One week, you have exactly one week left…” The doctor said.
Then it comes back to this the time when I said, “Damn you God, you back stabber! ” I yelled. “Who’s God?” asked a guy, wondering, looking at me. “God?? God is…” I explained. “Why are you so mad ay him? What did he do to you, I would get him for you if you want…” the guy said. “What are you kidding me? Don’t tell me you don’t know him?” I asked, suddenly laughing at him. “What? Is he some celebrity I should know about?” The guy said. “You really don’t know him?” I asked. “Well, I haven’t heard of him, ever, is he your boyfriend or something?” The guy asked. “you’re joking right?” I asked, but he looked to damned serious.Then there I laughed. “Well is he?” The guy asked. “Well, he’s sorta like my father, he created me, I think, but I don’t believe that…” I explained. “Well, if he’s your father, then he loves you, he would never do anything to harm you, but why are you mad at him?” The guy asked. “Forget it…” I said, looking at the way he dressed, it looks to me that he has a bad sense of fashion, he was wearing a tattered shirt, a slipper, at least a piece of it. “I’m gonna go now…” I said. “Wait maam; can God be my father to?” The guy asked. “Why?” I asked. “We have no father, we are only poor, our father left us a long time ago…” The guy said. “Where do you live, God wouldn’t like you if you are not rich…” I said. “Ohhh, I think he wont do that…“He’s father right? The guy said. “How old are you?” I asked suddenly looking back. “I’m 23, I’m oldest in my family…” The guy said. “Where do you live? How many are you?” I asked. “We are 9, I have 4 sisters and 4 brothers, and we live here, on the streets…” he replied. “How do you live, you’re supposed to be dead by now.” I replied. “We steal, if lucky we have bread and milk, if not, only milk.” he said. “You steal? Don’t steal.” I said. “Why?” The guy asked. “God doesn’t want us to steal, try working… And it’s bad enough being poor already.” I suggested, and criticized “I’ve tried so many times, they just won’t accept me, I’m not good enough.” The guy said. “well, i think I can help you, what’s your name again?” I asked. “I’m Ryan…” The guy said. “Ryan…” I asked. All of the sudden time stopped because of his freak’n name. Why am I encountering weird things like these? “What’s your name again?” I asked, now trying to squeeze some info about him. “My name is Ryan, why is there something wrong with that…” Ryan said. “How’s Poochie, can I call you that?” I asked. “Poochie, but I have a name…” Ryan said. “Poochie it is… Come, I’ll show you to God…” I said. “Where?” Ryan asked. “The, house of GOD!!! Dum-Dum…” I said, pulling his arm.
And so I brought the ignorant guy into the house of God or, the so-called church. “Welcome to the house of God…” I said. “This is the house of God?” Ryan said. “Yah, I know it’s dull, people go here every Sunday just to give thanks for him what ever yada-yada…” I said. “It’s beautiful, but why is it empty, and why is there no music…” Ryan said. This Ryan guy, he’s ignorant, but smart, he’s just like Ryan, my Ryan. I just smiled. “You seem to know a lot about God, then why not tell me why God’s house is empty…” Ryan said. “People only go here when they are troubled, in times like this; this place is as empty as your head. People hates this place, they must be so dumb to ever enter this place, or to think that there god even exist.” I said. “You shouldn’t speak like that about your father, and this is his house, it should be everyone’s home…” Ryan said. “Would you please stop that, you’re saying that like you know it all, welcome to the real world, pray to your God, just keep on praying until he gives you something ,then take something more in return… Go praise him for making you poor and ignorant, go praise him for giving you a short life, go praise him just to die in about a week… He is no God, but a phony, a make believe, a hear say, God is not real…” I said, walking out the door, again coughing a lot of freak’n blood. “So you have no father at all, who created you then?” asked Ryan following me. “My dad, you dumb ass, you didn’t actually think that God is my dad, didn’t you?” I said looking at him, but then, he was looking somewhere else… “Who is he?’ he asked. “He’s that guy whom died on the cross because of our sins, he was proclaimed the savior just because he died on the cross, at least that’s what they expect us to believe, I mean, come on, he’s only human… and If there were a god he would be like Zeus or something…” I said, explaining into Ryan’s puny little brain that Jesus and anyone who is related to God is a phony… “Such pain, such sacrifice, such a poor man, if I were there, I wouldn’t wanna sin anymore, that’s the least I could do to lessen his pain…” Ryan said. “I can’t go through with this, the least you could do for me helping you is not believing in God…” I said. “Thank you Brenda…” Ryan said. “Why are you thanking me all of the sudden, aint I black mailing you or something???” I asked. “Thank you for introducing me to God, and he’s only son…” Ryan said. Then I wondered, I did introduce him to God, did I, if it weren’t for me and my big mouth he wouldn’t have even known about God… “I’m going home now; I’ll see you again right?” Ryan asked. “Sure…” I said, and then he just vanished like that…
I was left inside the church, recalling Ryan, my Ryan, he thought me everything I knew, he was the one who thought me about God, he was also the one who ruined it for me… I’ve been so like this ever since he left. And I blame mom for not letting me say my last good byes… now I dunno where he is, who he is and what he’s become.
As I went home, I felt like doing everything, being everything, I have only a week to live, drink all you can, eat all you can, fun for all, waste your cash, kiss your crush, leave for Hawaii… I almost planned my week, but I guess it wasn’t that easy… I miss Ryan, I can’t face him at this age and say I’m dying, that is if I meet him. I’m only 21, I’m not yet even 30… Every night I go through the same thing over and over again, and when that happens, I smoke, I drink, and I cough. And I guess that I’ll be doing this until the end. “Ryan if you’re hearing me now, I’m dying Ryan, and I will never ever see you again.” I yelled, dozing out. That night I dreamt about what happened 5 years ago, that very day that she saw the last of Ryan Parker.
“Stop that, smoking is bad for you, and you’re still under age, that’s illegal…” Ryan said. “Ok, fine… Ryan I wanna walk home, Mom as usual is late…” Brenda said. “Just hold on to my hand. And never let go…” Ryan said. “Dream on…” Brenda replied. --- Rain, rain was falling down strong… “Ryan, I can’t see anything… Where are you I’ve lost your hand???” Brenda yelled in the strong rain, then there was this light “Brenda…” Ryan yelled. --- Brenda was brought by Ryan at the hospital, many were talking, Brenda was covered with blood, the doctors weren’t even sure if it were all from Brenda. “We need an
“Ryan!!!...” Brenda yelled up until she escaped dream world into reality… What a night mare I had, Ryan didn’t die, did he? What was that dream, why did he die? “– ring-ring-ring…” The phone rang, who could be calling this early? “Hello…” I answered. “Hello, Brenda, this is
