09-16-07
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"The end theory"
I've realized something this night, this might not mean anything to anyone, but it does to me...
I've invented/realized something today. yesterday i took an online on e-spin the bottle site, not sure if it's believable , but it did make sense. It was "your top emotion/feeling test" i forgot the test name, so anyway, I was expecting a result something like sad or emotionally/mentally depressed to appear, but what appeared was BORED and it said something like get a life, dont let life bore you, there is more to life than you and the floor you stand on. It was internet crap, but i've thought about it really... even thinking bores me i supposed...
Me I'm a person who had a past, a not so pretty and perfect past, but did have one...Everyone has their own "getting over" thing of the past, but that's not my problem. If i were my usual self I'd say something like "the past wont let me go" or "I'm living in my past and too stupid to move on..."
But i've realized something, the past is not my problem anymore, I've passed the stupid stage... I'm over it i believe. This time my problem is the future, my future, the future is holding me back and keeping me bored...
Based on my recent observations "on my self" I'm really to bored to get through anything i dont like or like either ways. I'm always looking forward to the end of everything, my actions always play through my head until i'm to stubborn to do anything already, i see the end and looking forward to it, and it's not helping me and my actual life.
Every time I do something i do i quickly it not being my best just to end it. boredom is killing me.
In most movies i see, not even movies, i predict the ending or worst... I press the fast forward button.
It's like this wanna know what's happening, but i'm so fed up waiting already so i'll go to the end.
so in the end ends up there's no ending to it...
even in eating, i do it everyday, and sadly it bores me, yes it does, and in my conclusion, it's the reason why I ended up as i am today.
That ending i didnt see, casue i wasn't aware of it yet, and now i have a new story to write...
when i eat i see smell taste food, I eat alot , cause i dont chew much, as i see more food, i get more, not so different from a dog, until everything is gone, i keep going on. and it's not helping me.
I wont stop until i'm completely full of my self, i'm speeding so much that i got too many.
another thing is smoking, in every single stick, like food, it's not over until it's gone, i eat and smoke for amounts of it i dont need, and the amount i cant count. This time i need to know everything, i need to ask questions, cause i've been asking the wrong ones all along. Everything of too much is stupid i say, well yeah let's do this...
One more before I conclude, in every notebook, there's allways the front and the back, I allways tend to begin from the back. i doodle, write, draw, anything goes, i dunno why... until now
My reasons before were reasonable, but when i was asked why, I had to think why. I answered :"so that if id make a mistake it wouldn't matter cause it's at the back, so that i could re-write it in the front part..."
sadly, things i write remains there, until it reaches the front it's like i'm writing my story backwards already, beginning from the end... that's why i'm unhappy, i'm to scarred to make mistakes, instead i start from the end, and when i get there, it's not as sweet...
I'm writing from the back not to ruin the front, but as i go there, there's no more room for improvement than tomorrow. dont live for tomorrow or yesterday...
today is what matters most.
as i noticed, this notebook has no writings from the back yet, i guess i've sensed it already.
oh well, let's live life shall we?
no more games...
-end theory
today...
casue if we live for today, we might have a better tomorrow and a good yesterday to look back at...
genyt reader...
glad to be of help if it did help...
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